It was a Tuesday morning when my 2-year-old son and I walked to a café. Once we sat down, I gave my son, Brooks, his bagel, and he dove right in. Other customers laughed good-naturedly because of the mess he was making. They mentioned how cute he was, I smiled, agreed, took a bite of my bagel….

Suddenly, I heard buzzing so loud that I reflexively looked at other people to see how they were reacting. I think I asked my son if he could hear it. I covered my ears trying to block it out the noise before realizing it was coming from inside of my head.

I felt nauseous and dizzy. I tried to unlock my phone to call my, but I could not get my fingers to unlock my phone. I remember struggling to enter a single correct number on my phone. Then I panicked. “Call 911! Something’s wrong with me! I’m having a seizure or a stroke! Call! I can’t unlock my phone! Call call call something’s wrong with me!”

The other customers in the store came to my rescue immediately. They were my first guardian angels that morning.

I thought, “This can’t be happening!” I tried to stand up and just fell over. Lying face-down on the ground, I was throwing up, yelling and moaning.  I realized I could no longer speak. Someone there tried to comfort me and said that help was on the way.

Within minutes the ambulance took me to the nearest hospital. A CAT scan revealed a clot, and they administered a “clot buster,” TPA.

Then I could feel myself turning into a vegetable. I started foaming at the mouth, both hands started curling up to my chest like a t-rex. My fists clenched and I couldn’t move my legs. I was gasping for air. The nurses were all very scared and I could see it in their faces.

I heard one nurse say, “go get the ventilator,” and I saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw all the lights and scared faces referring to me in the third person. I mustered all the strength I could TO NOT DIE and just stay there with them. Slowly, the medicine provided some relief, but I was not out of the woods yet.

They put me in a helicopter and flew me to Westchester Hospital outside of New York City.

Once we landed, the medical team peppered me with questions: Could I see? Could I touch my finger to their finger and then touch my nose? If I was seeing double, did I see things side by side or top and bottom? Could I say my name and birthday? Did I know where I was? Did I know what day it was? All of this happened while we were flying through the hospital halls on a rolling gurney.

Another CAT scan confirmed that there was a blood clot in one of the main arteries going to my brain. The medical teams began to prepare for surgery and I was asked to sign some papers.

When the surgeon entered, he announced a new plan. Everyone became very quiet as they processed his words. They were going to conduct a mechanical thrombectomy entering through my wrist. Everyone got to work, modifying their preparations, and I was asked to sign a new set of papers.

I was awake during the procedure. I felt intense pain the moment the device struck the clot. It felt like someone was scraping the bottom of my brain with a pottery tool. They kept scraping until suddenly, it felt as if someone had sucked the pain out of my head with a vacuum.

The moment the clot was removed, I could see out of both eyes and wiggle my toes. I remember looking down at my feet and moving both at the same time.  Everything came back instantly.

In total from the stroke onset at 7:45am, to the surgery, it was a little over 5 hours. Surgery finished around 1pm.

After a couple of days in the hospital, I am physically fine and do not need any rehabilitation therapy, which is very unusual. My body recovered on the operating table. The only injury left was a tear in my artery that should heal within 90 days.

While I was resting in the recovery unit, after my operation, I reflected on how close to death I had been and might still be. The thought occurred to me that my family will continue after I am gone. With or without me, they will live their lives. A new awareness of the randomness of life and the limits of what is within our control hit me. By acknowledging what it not within my control, I can let go and feel free, more open and more loving.